


Connie Swap Episode 13: Giant Problem

by br42, BurdenKing, CoreyWW, MjStudioArts



Series: Connie Swap [13]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Art, F/M, Fight Scenes, Gen, Momswap, Monster of the Week, Music, Pictures, Slice of Life, Steven Universe AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-16 03:14:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11820081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurdenKing/pseuds/BurdenKing, https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MjStudioArts/pseuds/MjStudioArts
Summary: Connie is helping Doug move into his Beach City apartment, and so is… Priyanka. Later Peridot, Jasper, and Connie go on a sweltering mission to capture the elusive Earth Beetle.





	1. Moving Violation

The two weeks that followed Peridot’s return were good.

First there were happy reunions.

Peridot was back! After seeing Steven off, Peridot confirmed that Connie was well (she was) and had applied the anti-burn cream as ordered (she had). The state of the Beach House, its utilities, and its kitchen were accepted by the newly reformed gem with the ebullient calm of someone who had returned home braced for far worse.

While Peridot was showing Connie how to replace the fridge’s busted compressor, Jasper emerged from the temple. The warrior pulled Connie into a fierce hug, then, when the gem stepped too close, grabbed and pulled Peridot into the embrace as well.

Then there was work.

At first it was merely cleaning up the worst of the damage and dirtiness to the Beach House. All three of them --plus Wally, who, according to Peridot, would probably suffer a segfault if it wasn’t allowed to continue to assist-- worked shoulder to shoulder to rounded chassis restoring the place.

Jasper and Peridot departed at one point to follow-up on the disturbance that Jasper had been unable to locate while the technician was poofed. It turned out another sensor tower, this one in Greenland, had toppled and rolled a substantial distance away… uphill. The device was returned to its proper spot and restored to working order but whatever had been responsible for it was long past detecting.

Connie, Jasper, and Peridot pursued and dispatched the Slinker: Peridot employed remote controlled mini-bots to find and harass the creature inside the delicate and narrow temple infrastructure, Connie used force fields to seal off several avenues of escape, and Jasper dispatched it as soon as it entered the open. It was one of the first times Connie had been included in any sort of inter-temple work. Peridot and Jasper agreed it was one of the smoother Slinker-hunts of the last decade.

Then there were changes. 

The kitchen phone was finally replaced (Peridot swore she remembered replacing it last month but clearly that hadn’t happened). Jasper and Peridot scrapped the old oven and Peridot fabricated a new one. She also crafted new cookware to replace the ones now dotting the bottom of Rehobath Bay.

Peridot promised to bring up the matter of the depleted emergency fund with Doug in due time.

New crops were planted in Peridot’s garden: Connie insisted lemons be among them for ease of making lemonade. A new irrigation system was installed to help accommodate for Lapis’ prolonged absence. 

Back at the Beach House, the contents of Lapis’ shelves by the window seat were pushed solemnly to one side and, for the first time in months the shelves were given a thorough dusting. New decorations went up around the living room.

Then there was camaraderie.

Connie took some books out of the boxes in her closet and reorganized the contents of the Beach House’s book shelves to include some more Jasper-friendly titles. After an abortive attempt at reading _The Silmarillion_ \--“It has great ideas, it just reads like a history textbook accidentally labeled as a novel,” explained Connie-- the pair switched over to reading a fantasy series by Jim Butcher. Thus the Warriors of Literacy book club was formed.

At first Jasper loitered like usual while Peridot cooked but before too long the large Quartz was volunteering for more involved tasks. Finally, almost a full week later, she prepared her first meal. Connie said that the grilled cheese sandwich was toasted to perfection, eliciting a full smile from the large gem.

Peridot worked up a device (that looked like a Tesla coil crossed with an old cathode ray tube television) for Jasper that would allow her to locate any activity alerts that came over the detection network. ‘Gallon Interface’ was stenciled on the side in orange letters. When pressed, the technician deadpanned that it was intended to be “for Quartz”... then smirked deeply when even Jasper groaned at the pun.

Connie’s quarterly eye exam took place and Connie couldn’t help but notice that her new glasses looked an awful lot like Peridot’s visor-integrated spectacles. Wearing similar-looking eye-enhancers, she and Peridot began spending more time working on joint projects like they had back at the Prime Kindergarten. Every so often Peridot would compliment Connie on a job well done and random lights or devices in the area would stir dimly to life. When this was noticed it all it was usually attributed to lingering Slinker damage to some of the area’s power conduits.

Then there was catharsis.

Sour Cream had apparently done something successful with his secret project while his family was away on their cruise. Though the DJ was secretive with the details, he was free with his newfound wealth: in gratitude for the boy’s help in the recording studio, he had purchased Steven a Super Nintendo Classic, a tiny-sized re-release of the classic gaming console that came with about two dozen games.

Connie came back from an evening of _Mario Kart_ at Steven’s house to find Jasper in an unruly state. This prompted a confrontation that ran long and covered a great many topics of grievance. Peridot upbraided Jasper for a number of things the Quartz had done or failed to do while watching Connie and Steven. Jasper accused Peridot of coddling Connie and made a couple of rather short-sighted remarks regarding the technician’s dependence on gemtech. Connie reminded both of them that it had been about six months since the one and thus far only time she’d summoned her sword: whatever the gems had been doing with her training, it didn’t seem to be working especially well.

After an evening of bickering, pacing, yelling, and sniping, the three managed to reach an exhausted peace. Jasper’s grumpiness surrounding Connie’s day with Steven was lost in the shuffle, but everyone otherwise came out of it more content for having vented and hugged it out.

Then, at the end of a comparatively pleasant and adventure-free fortnight, was Doug’s move.

* * *

It had taken a little trial and error to get right --as well as a little steeling of the nerves to use-- but by the end Doug agreed that having a force field ramp directly from the moving truck to the second story balcony was **the** way to move.

Doug set the box he’d been carrying down in his bedroom, then sat on a solid-looking trunk case and wiped his brow. "Connie, let's have a little Mahes-war council while my lower back finishes chewing me out."

There was the slightest, most minuscule, smidgen of a chance that he may have overexerted himself trying to impress during his grand reunion with Connie.

Connie, who had been tasked with the all-important job of stocking and organizing the bookcases, set a stack of aged paperbacks aside and followed her dad’s voice.

She had been smiling since Doug cracked the first joke five minutes into the move, all apprehension traded for excitement.

"Mahes-war council. Very important," she said as she got situated on a box across from her dad, setting the pile of pillows that had been sitting there aside.

"The importantest," finished Doug with a wink. "The first order of business is establishing call signs. You graduated from 'Cupcake first-class' over your birthday; it's been four-and-a-half months and we've yet to assign you a new alias. I always say that a family that calls one another by their first names is no family at all."

Connie giggled then asked, "What'd grandma and grandpa call you when you were my age?"

"'Doug', which I think proves my point," said her dad wryly. "Personally, I'm torn between 'Kiddo' and 'Sunflower', though we could always use the old favorite 'Space Pilot Akima Conniemoto.'"

"Daaad! I was six when that movie came out. Statute of limitations!"

"Sorry kiddo, but you'll find there is no such statute between father and daughter. Take heart, though. Back when I was that age I kept trying to find a way to mashup 'Doug' with some of the characters from _The Neverending Story_." He gave her a sober look. "It went poorly."

"So Doug-trayu is off the table?" challenged Connie.

"See what I mean? 'Dad' will do just fine or, when I'm not around, 'the old man,' which I'm certainly feeling at the moment," he said, stretching his back and grimacing. "I swear they make moving boxes heavier these days."

Connie looked worried for a second. “Do you need to see a doctor or something?”

Doug said with a chuckle, “I already am, she’s just running late.”

That led to a period moment of awkward silence.

Rallying to recapture their previous good flow, Connie spoke up. "I'm gonna have to pass on 'Sunflower': too many syllables, too little action. And Jasper calls me 'kiddo' so it sounds odd coming from you."

"She also stole 'squirt' out from under me. And Peridot calls you 'dear' and 'Con-Con' got snatched up too," said Doug in a mock-serious tone. "See, this is why we have to have this talk: too much longer and I'll be left with nothing save pointing at you and grunting."

A few demonstrations brought on a bout of laughter between the pair.

After settling down, Connie thought and suggested, "How about 'Cutlass'?"

"You mean like the oldsmobile?" Doug said trying and failing to hide his mirth.

Connie rolled her eyes. "No, dad, like the sword."

Doug considered this for a moment and nodded his head. "It's terse, symbolic, and it's easy for me to misapply. Motion seconded and carried, Cute Lass."

Connie gave him a look.

"Cuddles?"

Her look grew more skeptical.

"Swordy McSwordface?"

She threw a pillow at him.

* * *

Doug's lower back had vetoed further heavy exertion and since Connie _just so happened_ to have brought her violin with her, Doug went in search of his own. After a couple minutes of rummaging, father and daughter tucked their instruments under their chins, bows at the ready.

As was tradition between the two, they started off with a slow rendition of _Mary had a Little Lamb_ with Doug deliberately playing poorly. This was a callback to the early days of Connie learning the violin and how Doug would play the boob sometimes to keep her from getting mired in frustration.

A livelier version of the song followed, only without the intentional mistakes. Then one of them, Connie this time, began to extemporize. The two fell into a kind of call and response game, with each response tweaking the melody or musical genre slightly.

Mary's little lamb was celebrated in song with a classical waltz and then a sea shanty. Then the song became _Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star_ , first as performed at a recital hall, then at a hoedown, and finally at a jazz lounge.

Connie played a few bars of _Like a Comet_ which Doug deftly continued: it turns out Connie wasn't the only Maheswaran to independently arrange one of Mr. Universe's songs for violin during her spare time.

They finished out the medley, Doug played a fanfare of _Shave and a Haircut_ , Connie gave a crisp response of _Two Bits_ , and then both stood and bowed to one another, each grinning widely.

Someone in the entryway clapped, causing Connie to jolt in surprise. Swiveling around, her violin bow held in a defensive stance from sword training, Connie saw...

A woman with rich, brown skin and dark eyes who was smiling at them while leaning in the doorway. Her expression was one of almost wistful delight.

She had long, dark hair shot through in places with streaks of silver and she wore the collared shirt, slacks, and sensible shoes of someone who was expected to dress professionally but also to be on their feet a lot. Dangling from a retractable clip affixed to her belt was a hospital ID badge that read, 'Dr. P. Kurunthottical.'

"That was quite the performance. Doug said you were talented, Connie, but he neglected to say the same for himself," she said as she walked into the sea of boxes that was the apartment.

“Hi Pri,” Doug said as he set his instrument aside and walked over to her.

To Connie’s surprise and revulsion, her dad pecked the woman on the lips. The woman smiled at him but shot Connie an apologetic look when he moved to take her coat. 

Doug smiled and glanced back at Connie, eyes widening as if he had forgotten she was there.

“Oh um ... Connie.” He gestured to the woman. “This is Priyanka.”

"H-Hi. I'm, uh, Connie... which, he already said," muttered Connie already beginning to clutch her instrument to her chest like an ineffective shield.

Doug gave a weak chuckle. Priyanka, however, smiled. She walked over and crouched down to Connie’s level. 

_As if I were a were a three-year-old,_ a corner of her opined uncharitably.

“Hi Connie,” Priyanka said. “It’s nice to finally meet you. Doug’s told me so much about you.”

Priyanka held out her hand. Connie considered it for a moment, laid her instrument aside on a nearby stack of boxes, then grasped it.

 _No-crazy-power-mishap-no-crazy-power-mishap-no-crazy-power-mishap,_ Connie inwardly pleaded as she shook her hand.

“Y-yeah,” Connie said. 

There was a quick honk and then, down from the parking lot, came the familiar shout of Jenny Pizza. "Yo, Connie-Dad! I got your pizza!"

Doug cleared his throat. “Hey uh ... I'll just run down and get that,” Doug said. “Why don’t we sit down and have a nice lunch? Figured everyone likes pizza.”

Connie still hadn't recovered her taste for the dish after the events from two weeks prior. While she wasn't entirely certain how much of her seasick expression was from her pizza aversion and how much was from the social circumstances, she was certain her dad and Dr. Kurunthottical noticed the face she pulled.

Priyanka let go of her hand and said, "Pizza sounds lovely, but only if everyone is hungry."

 _Let's just get through this,_ thought Connie.

"Mmm, pizza," she said unconvincingly and was immediately, mentally kicking herself for, well, a lot at that particular moment.

Doug cringed in sympathy. "Be right back," he said quickly and then he jogged out the door.

Priyanka made a point of finding the stacks of boxes interesting, giving Connie her space. Connie managed not to spontaneously develop the power to implode.

Doug returned with the pizza and popped the box open. Connie gave a faint smile when she saw the mushrooms on it.

The corner of Priyanka’s turned upward.

“You remembered my favorite,” Priyanka said.

Doug returned the smile.

“Actually mushrooms are Connie’s favorite too,” he said.

Connie met his father’s gaze. Priyanka’s eyes were wide, but Connie simply shrugged.

“Oh, well ...” Connie cleared her throat. “Lots of people like mushrooms.”

“Smart people,” Priyanka said.

Connie let out a chuckle that caused her to flinch when it escaped her throat. She realized both her dad and Priyanka were staring at her smiling. She shrunk her head into her shoulders before wordlessly reaching for a slice of pizza.

“Thanks dad,” she mumbled.

Doug handled out napkins, then everyone pulled up a box and got situated.

“So um ...” Connie took a bite of pizza. “How did you and dad meet?”

Priyanka raised an eyebrow.

“He never mentioned it before?” Priyanka said. “It was over a year ago.”

“A year?!” Connie spluttered, her food nearly going down the wrong pipe.

Priyanka’s face paled. She glanced over at Doug, a harsh look in her eyes.

Doug, who was in mid-pizza bite, looked like a deer caught in headlights as a string of cheese fell from his mouth to the floor.

“I uh...” Doug stammered. “W-we were just friends back then and it-- it seemed like a complex sorta ... thing so ... so-- I ... yeah ...”

A sick feeling settled in the pit of Connie's stomach as she felt a tense air around Priyanka and Doug. She was mentally preparing herself for Priyanka to blow up, to start an argument. Connie was already formulating a battle plan ...

But Priyanka took a deep breath and exhaled.

“Well ... I suppose I can understand,” Priyanka said, her voice steady. She turned back to Connie. “I’m sorry you’re only finding out about this now.”

Connie was perplexed by this sudden bout of restraint.

“Oh ... it’s ... fine?” Connie said, confused by her own words.

"I was in the parking lot after a twelve-hour shift, my car's battery was dead and the jumper cables were corroded. I was contemplating a very cross call to Triple-A when your father..."

* * *

Connie wasn’t sure how to feel. She felt tense, but it was more like she felt anxious that she didn’t feel more tense. There wasn’t really much conflict, nothing strange or dramatic, she was just ... eating pizza with her father and his girlfriend. And Priyanka seemed normal. Nice even.

 _Is this normal?,_ Connie wondered. _Like, do normal kids have family situations like this? The problem with a life of weirdness is that it makes distinguishing between normal and novel forms of strange difficult._

A stubborn corner of Connie huffed ruefully and thought, _So much for that apples and doctors expression. You failed me, fruit. See if I ever eat you again!_

At one point while Doug was talking, Priyanka stole a glance at Connie's collar. Thinking she'd dropped a topping on her shirt, Connie glanced down but noticed nothing out of place.

_Oh, she was sneaking a peek at my gemstone. I forget that not everyone is from Beach City._

But then... she thought of a certain portrait that showed a woman with an identical gemstone. Just saying 'hi' to Priyanka meant Connie had spoken more with his dad's new girlfriend than she ever had with her mother.

 _Is this disloyal? Is dad right to be finding someone else? I mean, sure, you shouldn't grieve forever but who is_ this woman _compared to mom? Why does she get to walk in here and twist my stomach into knots when dad and I were finally getting to be together again. Is-_

Connie snuck another glance at her gemstone, this time to make sure it wasn't giving off the telltale sign of the Nightmare Monster being nearby.

 _Nope, this weird rage panic is all my own,_ thought a corner of her while yet another added, _I really need to go back to the quarry and check on that thing; make sure it's still small and sleeping._

Connie sighed. _If this is normal, I'd rather be weird,_ she thought.

She felt her phone vibrate. When she pulled it out, it only had a message saying ‘LOW BATTERY’ on it.

“Everything okay?” Doug asked.

Connie almost said yes, but she glanced at Priyanka. Instead, she said, “It’s uh ... it’s from Peridot, actually.” Connie stood up. “I have to go. You know, Crystal Gem stuff.”

“O-oh.” Doug frowned. “Well, alright.”

Priyanka looked up towards her. “It’s nothing dangerous, I hope?” she said, voice heavy with concern.

 _What do you care?,_ a belligerent corner of Connie thought.

But, after Connie literally bit her tongue, she said, “No, don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”

Doug managed a nod and said, “I guess we’ll see you la--”

He trailed off as Connie had already started walking to the door, in the process of slinging the strap for her violin case over her shoulder.

As she opened the door, she heard Priyanka say, “It was nice to finally meet you, Connie.”

“... yeah,” Connie said quietly as she left.

* * *

Connie was sitting at the kitchen counter of the Beach House washing down the lingering taste of mushrooms and inner turmoil with lemonade. Her phone was charging on her bedside.

Finishing her drink, Connie considered walking up to the loft to use her cell phone but then she remembered she already had one in reach. Leaning over she took the handle off the franken-phone that Peridot had cobbled together and dialed Steven's number on a mismatched number pad while the digits appeared along the top in the reddish light of a row of Nixie-tubes.

"Hello. This is Steven Universe speaking," came the slightly stilted answer while in the background a pair of male voices competed with the fast-paced music of F-Zero to be heard.

"Hey Steven, it's me. I'm on the house phone right now," answered Connie.

"Oh, hey Connie. Yeah, the number was super weird. I didn't know you could get tildes and accent marks in a phone number."

"I've seen the... thing the calls are routed through and I swear it's part Pachinko machine. I have even less of an idea how it works than most of Peridot’s contraptions. Is Sour Cream and Buck over to game with you?"

There was a chuckle on the other end as well as the retro-futuristic sounds of 16-bit hover car racing. "No, it's Jeff and Peedee. They're-"

In the background Jeff cried out, "Falcon Punch!" followed by the sounds of a pixelated explosion. Peedee moaned while Jeff cackled with triumphant glee. 

"This isn't even Smash Bros,” came Peedee’s distant voice. “You don't have to say that after-"

"Just admit Captain Falcon is the best and I'll quit it," offered Jeff, the smugness carrying over the phone.

"Never! Samurai Goroh forev-"

Steven's voice cut in, pushing the others' to the background. "Heh, sorry, things are a little excited at the moment. Anyway, what's going on with you?"

“Nothing much." She kicked her feet and cleared her throat. “I just came from lunch with my dad. And his um ... girlfriend.”

“Oh jeez,” he said. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I ... I guess,” Connie said.

“Was she alright?”

“She was fine, that’s ... I dunno, that’s kind of the problem,” Connie said. “I feel like part of me wants to hate her but I ... don’t?”

“No no, that’s good!” Steven said. “To the Dark Side, hatred leads.”

Connie was about to reply when there was a chime and Jasper stepped off the warp pad. The Quartz strode over, leaned against the kitchen counter nearest the warp, and began to methodically pluck what looked like porcupine quills out of her forearms. Each quill vanished in a little puff of smoke seconds after its removal.

She and Connie exchanged nods of greeting before going back to their respective tasks.

“Steven, you don’t have to talk like Yoda every time you say stuff like that.”

“Uh ... nooo? I’m pretty sure I do.”

Connie laughed despite herself.

Jasper briefly pulled a face which Connie chose to attribute to the barb removal.

Connie was about to say more when Peridot bolted out of the temple door ("Stars!") and ran straight for the bathroom while one of her limb enhancers was emitting a 'woop-woop' warning klaxon.

 _Why, of all places, is she running to the bathroom?,_ thought a corner of Connie, recalling a similar event back when the Lunar Sea Shrine had begun phasing back into their reality.

Connie realized a moment later that Steven was saying something. "-even Vidalia asked if I knew where it came from but Sour Cream just won't-"

"Hey Steven," cut in Connie. "I think I gotta let you go."

"Rainbow stuff?"

"Rainbow stuff. I'll text you later."

"Okay, have fun Connie. Bye!" said Steven. 

In the background, just before the call cut off, she heard an explosion sound followed by "Don't you say i-" // "Falcon Pun-"

Connie hung up the phone, the Nixie-tubes blinking out seconds later in a seemingly random order.

There was a sound of running water followed by the bathroom door flying open with a bang. "Significant events are transpiring!(‘woop-woop’) Quick, everyone to the command center!(‘woop-woop)" exclaimed Peridot.

Connie and Jasper stared at Peridot blankly, neither moving.

"We have a command center?" asked Jasper finally, arms still mostly pincushioned.

"Yeah, and why did you just run to the bathroom, ma'am?"

Peridot made a look of annoyance, her eyes rolling behind her visors/glasses. "Just, ugh, (‘woop-woop’) look, I have a number of (‘woop-woop’) seismological and geological scanning (‘woop-woop’) equipment installed in GAH!” and she hastily silenced the alarm. “As I was saying, I have the aforementioned equipment installed within a hidden compartment in the bathroom because the conveniently located plumbing is an easy source for a heat sink. Incidentally, that helps contribute to the abundance of hot water for the shower. Now, come to the command center so I can show you the news."

"It's still a bathroom," drawled Jasper, a hint of a smile playing across her lips as Peridot growled in frustration.

Connie hopped off her stool, walked over, and stepped inside. She began looking over all the fixtures and furniture anew to try and puzzle out where the hidden compartment was located.

Jasper, unable to easily fit through the door, stood just outside. She continued to slowly and methodically remove the quills.

Peridot crouched down and attempted to open the cabinet under the sink but was thwarted by the child lock she had installed down there.

"Why do you still have those installed?" asked Connie.

"Firstly, they are part of my means of shard-proofing the temple and Beach House in case another couple get loose," said the gem as she bested the clasp and began groping around in the space under the sink. "And secondly, these are here to keep you from gaining access to toxic cleaning agents in the event of another age regression."

Connie opened her mouth to object but... she had to admit Peridot had a point.

There was a click and then the mirror swiveled out on a hinge Connie hadn't known was there.

A quintet of screens stared back, all showing a diverse array of… gibberish, at least to Connie’s lay perspective. She noted that one looked eerily similar to the heart monitors she saw all the time in episodes of _Under the Knife_ , though a pattern like that usually meant the patient was about to begin convulsing (oftentimes just before a commercial break). The rest of the tech was a motley assortment with pipes and wires spilled out at odd angles.

Peridot waved her limb enhancers in a showman's pose, floating fingers outspread. "See this?"

"No," said Jasper, flatly, before dropping a barb to poof midair.

Peridot once more rolled her eyes. "Ugh. Can everyone who can fit in the control room see this?"

"Yes!" exclaimed Connie before adding, "...but I have no idea what it is."

A floating finger gestured over what Connie thought looked like a particularly messy game of _Go_ represented in the greenish-yellow hue of an old computer monitor. "This confirms that the Boiling Lava Lake has suffered a seismic shift. Pressure levels indicate the fluid is draining and the temperature is on trajectory to drop below threshold. Once this process reaches its zenith, the area will be accessible to humans and non-impervious gems alike. We'll finally be able to track down the Earth Beetle. And that means the Heaven Beetle won't look at me with those accusing, multifaceted stares every time I walk past its terrarium."

"Wait, you're keeping a gem beast in a terrarium? Why?! WHERE?!" cried Connie before wincing at raising her voice in so enclosed a space

Peridot adopted a lecturing tone. "Connie, we're bubbling gems primarily as an act of mercy. Some need not be contained in formless stasis. The Geode Beetle of Heaven is the size and strength of a terrestrial insect. It can be successfully contained in a mason jar. Plus, provided its habitat is given a steady supply of alternating current, it’s content to view media and pursue its various hobbies. Bubbling it would be spiteful.”

Jasper lowered a shoulder so that part of her face was visible at the top of the door frame. "When we caught it, it had a tiny room with... beetle stuff."

"Specifically it had a tiny television, gaming console, bed, decorations, and bongos," elaborated Peridot.

“We put the beetle and its stuff in a little bug box. It stays in Peridot’s room,” finished Jasper.

Connie stood there dazed for a moment. _I did wish for a return to normal ol' weirdness earlier. I certainly got it,_ observed that irrepressible corner of her.

Outwardly she said, "That raises so many questions... not least of which: where did it get beetle-sized consumer electronics?”

“I KNOW!" exclaimed Peridot. "Regardless, once we have the companion beetle, I will no longer be subjected to the compound-eyed glare of a gem that hasn’t been able to enjoy two-player games in centuries.”

From the doorway came the rumbled question of, "When?"

"Trends suggest the optimal time for mission departure will be twelve days hence on April the ninth."

Jasper plucked out another quill and flicked the four-inch barb the way a person might cast a toothpick aside. "We'll be ready. Right, squirt?" she added, once more craning down to peer into the bathroom.

Connie nodded and smiled, the previous feeling of camaraderie coming to the fore after being obscured by Priyanka's oddly normal introduction.

"Yeah! Because we're the Crystal Gems!" said Connie, loud but not too loud (she was still in the bathroom). Peridot grinned and placed her hand-equivalent atop Connie's. A large orange hand started to reach in when Peridot and Connie withdrew quickly to avoid getting poked by the nest of sharp points.

"Whoa! Uh, how about we do the enthusiastic huddle after Jasper stops being a cactus?"

* * *

Most of the following week-and-a-half passed in a frenzy of training and father-daughter hanging out. Connie and Doug quickly exhausted most of the easy entertainment options Beach City had to offer but they still had months, if not years, of combined time apart to catch up on and they were determined to do it one stroll down the boardwalk and violin duet at a time.

Doug took a few more punitive pillows to the face for flagrant nickname violations. He regretted nothing.

Priyanka seemed to show up at odd times about once every other day (“Doctor’s hours,” she’d explain) and she was as earnest and polite as she had been that first time in the apartment. 

Connie managed to find reasons not to stick around overlong when the doctor was in. Her dad seemed to enjoy the house calls but they left Connie feeling a little queasy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you want to know more about how Priyanka and Doug first met? Because what Priyanka was telling is lifted from the omake [What Can I Do For You](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/23677404), written by [CoreyWW](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW) back before he was an official member of the Team. While that omake isn't considered 100% canon, it is what I would call _overwhelmingly canonical_. Plus, it's a good read. Go check it out if you haven't.
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	2. Kelvin and Hobbes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After you finish reading this chapter, there are related omake stories you might want to check out:  
> [Home Is Where the Dot Is](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/27008466) by [SilverScribe](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverScribe/pseuds/SilverScribe) \- [summary redacted]
> 
> [The Quest for the Specially Marked Box](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/26942838) by [Cyberwraith9](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyberwraith9/pseuds/Cyberwraith9) \- "A shopping trip with Peridot quickly becomes an endurance trial for Connie, until the pair encounter a despicable foe intent on keeping them both from their heart’s desire: for Peridot, a treasure she thought she lost long ago, and for Connie, getting her afternoon back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The completed Promo image for _Giant Problem_ has been posted in Ep13Ch1. Consider going back a chapter and checking it out.
> 
> I’m afraid the full, in-chapter art and the recorded song weren’t in the cards this week. However, the art team was kind enough to furnish me with character models so you all will have some illustrations to help match appearances to text. If the song recording or finished art is later completed, it’ll be added to this chapter and the update will be announced in the pre-chapter section of the newest Connie Swap chapter.

"I present the Convection Obstruction Wristband!" exclaimed Peridot, holding a tray with four loops of greenish metal, each containing a pair of bright green and bright orange crystals inlaid into one side. One band was large, nearly the width of a coffee can, and three were comparatively tiny.

It was mission day and all three (available) Crystal Gems were present in the living room for Peridot's demonstration.

While a trio of floating fingers held the tray aloft, Peridot rubbed a rag over Jasper’s unclothed wrist, removed the largest band, clasped it around said wrist, and then she lit Jasper on fire.

More accurately she ignited the lighter fluid rubbed onto the warrior's arm, but the effect was dramatic all the same.

Flames licked up and down the length of an orange arm but instead of burning straight up, the fire remained within half an inch of Jasper's form. Ripples of heat began to accumulate in a wavering aura surrounding the warrior's upper body.

"As you can see," lectured Peridot, eyes twinkling as she got to showcase the result of more than a week sequestered in her room, "the Convection Obstruction Wristband is stifling the thermal exchange between the air in the room and the exothermic reaction occurring on Jasper. While we are inside the sweltering confines of the currently-drained Boiling Lava Lake, this device will enable us to operate comfortably."

Jasper, standing in a wavering field of heat and fire, cleared her throat.

"Ah, right. Go ahead, Connie," said Peridot as Connie hosed the warrior down with the fire extinguisher she was holding at the ready. The girl did so deftly, having been trained in its use since she was three and having had frequent opportunities to make good on said knowledge.

Peridot removed the wristband and began cleaning it off, the trapped heat fanning out from Jasper's body in a ripple. The Quartz stepped outside to spin dry the chemicals off her.

Connie was looking thoughtful while Peridot was clipping a band to the girl's left wrist. "Won't this field make me overheat from my own body heat building up?" she asked.

"An astute observation, my dear," said the technician as she made sure the band was snuggly in place. "I have taken the liberty of installing a heat pump in your backpack to dump excess thermal energy outside the bounds of your field. Now, please present your right wrist for the next two bands."

"Wait, I'm wearing three of them?" asked the girl.

"That's correct. Jasper's physique is highly resistant to, among other things, a wide temperature range. You will be wearing three for both reasons of efficacy as well as redundancy," explained Peridot.

Connie accepted this, then stopped and asked, "You don't have a C.O.W., ma'am?"

Peridot waggled her limb enhancers at Connie, her floating fingers still at work affixing the bands, "I have two contained within my own hardware." The gem straightened up slightly and said with pride, "I'll have you know that Peridots are one of the most robust gems produced... outside the warrior castes, of course." She then deflated a little, adding, "However, not all of my equipment is so... fortified," and she smoothed down a piece of duct tape on one of the enhancers that had started to peel back.

"Plus, burning duct tape is the worst smell ever," observed Connie.

Jasper walked in, showing no sign she had recently been on fire or subsequently doused in flame-retardant substances.

"It is certainly noxious," agreed Peridot. "Setting such digressions aside, you have the Geode Beetle containment unit packed, correct?"

Connie nodded, having cleaned and placed the mason jar in her backpack just that morning.

Peridot placed the large wristband on Jasper once more. "Very good. If you're ready, Jasper," and the warrior gave a head tilt of affirmation, "then let us depart."

"Go team!" cried Connie as she shouldered on her pack and began to walk towards the warp pad.

Peridot and Jasper shared a look as they moved in that direction, then both smiled and answered with, "Go team!"

* * *

They arrived at the edge of a mud flat, wisps of steam were bubbling up from brackish pools tinged yellow and red. As Connie soon learned, her C.O.W.s did nothing to keep out the rotten egg smell of sulfur.

In the distance a mound rose up, breaking the otherwise flat and fetid landscape, a column of heat ripples distorting the air overhead like the plume of a volcano rendered transparent.

Peridot raised a limb enhancer overhead and took off. Jasper picked up Connie. "Ready squirt?"

Connie gave a thumbs up. "Just like we practiced."

Cradling the girl carefully to act as a kind of living shock absorber, Jasper leapt high into the air. At the apex of her leap Connie summoned a force field which Jasper then kicked off of, hurtling even higher and faster towards the mound.

The pair soon passed by Peridot in terms of both distance and velocity.

After one downward angled field followed by another to provide a measure of deceleration, Connie summoned a fifth and final barrier, this one horizontal and about ten feet over the steaming opening of the hill. Jasper landed with a thud, dropping into a heavy crouch to further reduce the shock of landing.

The two shared a satisfied nod, Connie grinning widely. She then went back to concentrating on maintaining the field supporting Jasper.

Around the time the first four fields winked out, Peridot landed adjacent and began to scan the opening below. "My scans corroborate the control room's data: the way is clear and, relatively speaking, safe. Thank you for conveying Connie thus far, Jasper. I'll take her for this next stage."

Jasper set Connie down, who then walked over and stepped onto Peridot's gravity connectors. Peridot used her spare arm to pull Connie in close while the latter hugged the gem tightly.

Jasper hopped off the edge of the field and disappeared into the Stygian depths. A moment later, helicopter fingers overhead and body rigid, Peridot (and Connie) lifted off and slowly descended into the pit. The green gemstone lit up once they were below the lip, providing them a view of mud-slathered stone.

Other than the occasional point of damaged rock where Jasper had used the wall to slow her drop, the view was featureless. More than several minutes passed before they touched down, the overhead opening having shrunk to a faint pinprick of light.

Connie stepped back from Peridot, attempting to give the area the critical assessment of a trained soldier in unfamiliar territory... but ultimately gawking like a teen in a tunnel deep within the Earth.

Jasper stood nearby, the walls showing the familiar splatter pattern that came in the wake of the Quartz' spin dry. A damp, rocky tunnel extended at a downward angle, wide as a highway and tall as well. Dim reddish-orange lights were set into the walls and ceiling at seemingly random intervals, giving the whole place a hellish cast to it.

Peridot tsked as she scanned. "This is some slapdash workmanship. Who did they have installing the fixtures down here? Rubies?!" She paused to consider that for a moment and added, "Actually, that seems likely now that I ponder it aloud."

"What is this place, ma'am?" asked Connie as she looked around. If it weren't for the lights overhead, the whole place would look like a natural (if huge) cavern or perhaps a long-defunct mine shaft.

"This was the exploratory tunnel made for what would have been a kilometer-wide borehole. The release of massive amounts of heat would have accelerated certain terraforming processes, to say nothing of the potential for geothermal energy production," explained the certified Kindergartner.

Jasper, her gem glowing brightly to further illuminate the gloom, took point as Peridot and Connie trailed a few yards back.

 _No one tells Jasper what reindeer games she can and cannot play,_ mentally quipped Connie before realizing Peridot was talking to her.

"-yzing the power consumption data will allow me to home in on the Beetle's dwelling but the specifics about the terrain or any potential inhabitants will have to be determined as we go. As such, you are to remain clear of any encounters, using your hard light constructs to defend yourself first and assist Jasper and me second. Is that understood?"

"Yes ma'am, I'll be careful," she answered, fishing out a flashlight from her pack and adding its illumination to the others as they traveled deeper inside.

The trio walked in murky silence before Jasper cleared her throat pointedly, the sound echoing slightly off the cavern walls. Peridot sighed and added, "I have been informed that we have adopted a new retreat command for this particular mission. Should Jasper or I say..." the gem gave another sigh, "'Fly, you fools!' then we are all to fall back with all possible haste and regroup from safety."

Connie nodded and grinned. Her fellow Warrior of Literacy was surveying the area ahead for threats, but the smile on the Quartz' face was unmistakable.

* * *

There was a chasm that bisected the tunnel. Steam roared out of the rift in the floor and vanished into the gulf in the ceiling. Every surface was slick with moisture and Connie could clearly see the auras each person's C.O.W. generated around them.

 _Does that make us steamed beef? If the ceiling collapsed, we'd be ground beef,_ thought the corner of Connie's mind that had been making cow puns relentlessly all mission long.

Jasper paced near the edge of the chasm, peering into what amounted to a hot waterfall operating in reverse. Peridot was performing a scan with one of her limbs, readouts flickering across her visor glasses.

After a moment, the Green gem said, "The fissure is approximately sixty feet across. The turbulence would make flying ill-advised so we will need an alternate mode across. Connie, can you bridge the gulf with your hard light constructs?"

"I can cover sixty feet with four of them, so sure. Let me just..." Field number one was positioned such that it extended only about five feet over the edge. Field number two, made with Connie standing as near to the lip as Peridot would allow her to, only extended slightly further.

Connie stared at the fields with a look of frustration. She then started to put her fogged-up glasses in a shirt pocket when she stopped and slapped her forehead with her free hand. "Oh, right. I can't see through the steam so I can't place my fields far enough out to bridge things."

"Ah yes," said Peridot, "Test number twenty-four: 'Construct Materialization Range and Limitations Beta.' I should have realized that sooner."

Jasper turned to stare at Connie, one eyebrow raised slightly, all while being careful not to point the light from her nose directly into the girl's face.

"Um, this seems kind of like the vortex from the Lunar Sea Spire. I've got rope in my pack. Could we use it to swing across?" hazarded the girl.

Peridot opened her mouth to object, closed it, thought of something else, closed it again, tapped something into a holographic display, then stared at the results, frowning all the while.

“To a first approximation, the answer is ‘yes’ but we’re not taking a single step forward until I’ve ran some simulations,” groused the technician.

Jasper gave Connie a wink and a thumbs up.

* * *

On the ceiling, a foot from the fissure's edge, Peridot had created an anchor point by drilling into the stone and then driving one of the pitons Connie had thought to pack into the rock face. One end of the rope was securely affixed while the rest dangled to the stony floor below.

"I've ran the simulations," said Peridot, "and if Connie and I are holding on and Jasper swings us with sufficient force, we'll reach an apex that we can release from that will carry us handily past this obstacle. Jasper will then retrieve the rope and use the slanted hard light construct Connie is currently sustaining to spindash across at sufficient speed and angle to clear the gulf as well. With me there to fly and/or tractor beam Connie to a safe landing past the vapor wall, I find this to be an acceptable, if cavalier, plan of action."

"It'll be fine," said Jasper with a slight grin. "Just hang on tight and then... don't."

Peridot rolled her eyes. "I've noticed a statistically significant increase in your sass, Jasper. Are you trying to fill in for Lapis' absence?"

Jasper gave a deep chuckle. "Too much work. No, we're on a mission. No drama. No mystery. No doubles from other dimensions. There's a deadline but it's long. Just 'get to place, contain the gem.' Feels good."

Peridot gave a small smile. "Yes, it is refreshingly straight-forward."

"Plus, you're going to scream like a startled Zircon going across," added Jasper, grinning widely.

Peridot huffed. "I will do no such thing."

* * *

"AAAAAAaaaaaahhh!" // "WEEEeeehaaawww!"

* * *

"Let's hope the return crossing is less harrowing," said Peridot as she was using one hand-equivalent to steady herself against one of the walls while running a hardware diagnostic.

Connie finished coiling the rope Jasper had carried across and stowed it in her pack. She and Jasper shared a high five before the Quartz said, "Speak for yourself."

* * *

There was a river of magma ("It's only lava once it reaches the surface," Peridot corrected) that poured in from one wall and emptied into a crack at the base of the wall opposite.

"I really am getting some Lunar Sea Spire vibes off of this," said Connie.

"Want to build a pulley system, squirt?" asked Jasper, her expression stoic but her eyes betraying her mirth.

Connie stuck out her tongue then looked at Peridot. "Flying and force fields?"

Peridot nodded in return. "Flying and force fields."

Once everyone was on the other side, Connie said, "Are there, like, lava shrimp or something?"

"Certainly not that I'm aware of," answered Peridot.

Jasper shook her head.

"Well, I did bring the laser pointer just in case," said Connie.

* * *

"'-that's just not gneiss,'" finished Jasper as Connie ate the lunch she'd packed. The punchline resulted in laughter and a spray of crumbs from the girl, and even Peridot couldn't help but snort.

"Jasper: master of comedy," quipped Connie before she remembered that she'd first heard that line said ironically by the fusion Hiddenite.

The sounds of amusement died down.

After an awkward pause, Peridot said, "It's okay. Hiddenite was many things but she wasn't wrong; Jasper's rejoinder to her observational comedy was both pithy and biting."

After another pause, Peridot cleared her throat and said, "I believe I have an addition to the breaktime entertainment. What do you call the frost created by an Era-1 Sapphire aboard a dilapidated ocean-going vessel?"

Connie and Jasper stared at Peridot expectantly.

"The _rime_ of the ancient _seeriner!"_ finished the technician.

Connie stared at Peridot for a second and then giggled once the joke clicked. Jasper stared at them both helplessly. "Don't worry, Jasper,” said the girl, “I've got a book of poetry that includes what she's referencing. We can look at it after we finish reading _Academ's Fury_."

* * *

"We're getting near," remarked Peridot after looking up from her scans. "Judging from the voltage being drawn, I'm guessing the Beetle has an air conditioning unit as well as a television and media reader in operation."

"I still don't get how, ya know, that's a thing," whined Connie.

Jasper and Peridot could only shrug as they continued marching.

They were preparing to round a bend in the large cavern when Jasper signaled a halt to the group with an upraised fist.

A few seconds later came the sound of something running followed by a hissing noise. Everyone got ready for action when... a light-red dog-lizard ran into view, a deep red gemstone set off-center on the front of its face.

_Scampered,_ amended a corner of Connie. _Whatever that is, it's definitely scampering._

The gem beast was radiating heat and its panting was causing the damp floor in front of it to shoot up gout after gout of steam, which accounted for the hissing noise. It was merrily snapping at the cloud as it scampered headlong...

...until it smacked face-first into stone wall.

"Yes," said Peridot, "this was definitely wired by Rubies."

The beast was sitting on its haunches, shaking its head in confusion at the sudden appearance of a wall when it turned in the direction of Peridot's voice. A big scarlet tongue hung out of its mouth as it seemed to take in the visitors for the first time.

Jasper took a few steps forward then crouched down and made a patting motion. This prompted the gem beast to run toward the Quartz, slip on the damp floor, and tumble up to the warrior in a tangle of limbs. It was happily panting and it looked like it was wagging a tail that was hot enough to melt lead.

Jasper looked down at the happy mass of heat and limbs and gave an expansive sigh. Then, with a single punch that cracked the stone floor beneath it, the beast was turned into an expanding cloud of red smoke and steam.

Jasper caught and bubbled the gemstone before it could hit the ground. She looked crestfallen.

"Whoa," said Connie, finding Jasper's subdued mood more offputting than the split-second violence. "Are you okay, Jasper?"

Jasper tapped the bubble, sending it to the burning room, then rose to her feet. "I don't like fighting Rubies. Even during the war. Rubies are loyal, eager, feisty, and, most of all, dumb. Plus, they're little. No challenge unless they fuse, and even then they just charge at you."

Without really intending to, Connie found herself saying aloud, "Jasper, I think you're a dog person."

This prompted stares from the others.

"Uh, but nevermind that," said the girl. Then, shifting the subject, she asked, "Do you think there are more of them down here?"

"Probably," said Jasper a little wearily. "You almost never find just one Ruby. They're..."

"Footsoldiers," finished Peridot. "The lowest ranks of the soldier caste, mainly because Rubies aren't good for much else unless you need an ambulatory heat source for some purpose. They're also one of the few gem types that could survive down here when the tunnels are flooded with molten liquids."

Jasper nodded, her expression returning to one of stoic resolve. "Let's move out."

* * *

"That's a multitude of corrupted corundums ..." said Peridot in a quiet voice. Connie could only nod in agreement.

There was an even larger cavern before them. Judging from the scrapes, scorch marks, and impact craters that covered the walls (most at about the height of the Ruby-dogs down below) this space had been widened out bit-by-bit one face-plant at a time.

The air was shimmering with heat and awash with noise.

Confirming something on one of her screens, Peridot said, "The Beetle is definitely nearby; probably a little further down the borehole. We'll need to get past all of..." and she gestured at the Brownian motion of red activity below, dozens of fights and chases and collisions occurring every moment, "... that."

Connie, half-joking, said, “I don’t think my laser pointer is going to cut it for this group of gem-critters.”

“They’re Rubies. It very well might,” said Peridot wryly.

Jasper was about to speak when one of the nearer Ruby-dogs spotted them, growled, and charged at them. Jasper stood motionless until the beast was almost on her. Then she planted a kick that punted the creature straight into the ceiling overhead.

It poofed and the gemstone that had been on one of its hind legs was bubbled and off to the temple before it could hit the ground.

There was a deafening silence as scores of heads that ranged from near-pink to crimson turned their way. That was followed by a palpable wall of noise as that many throats began to growl. 

The air was roiling with heat, the view of the far side of the cavern warped beyond recognizability. In a literal blur of motion, the Ruby-dogs began to run at one another.

"Connie, cordon them off! Peridot, shoot them!" barked Jasper.

Connie's field didn’t make it particularly far given the obscuring view. Most of Peridot's shots were similarly off target.

A writhing mass of shades of red mixed and grew until a colossal quadruped manifested, its surface dotted by so many gemstones it looked like it was covered in large, irregular patches of scales.

"BALROG!" cried Jasper, pointing, her face lit up in excitement.

The enormous fusion faced the trio and roared, the walls reverberating with a noise that caused Connie's teeth to rattle. Seeing the furnace blast of distorted air coming her way, Connie summoned a field for the three of them to cower behind.

She had to summon a second layer once she felt the first one dissolve in the blast of extreme heat.

Peridot popped around the remaining field and was trying to line up a shot when she ducked back behind the barrier a moment later. "I can't hit it," she said, voice thick with dread.

"How can you _not_ hit it?!" cried Connie. 

Jasper's previous excitement, meanwhile, was being replaced with a frown as she considered the realities of actually fighting said foe.

"That's the problem," said Peridot hurriedly. "There are so many gemstones on its surface, any shot I make could very well shatter one."

She looked at Jasper, her face grim. "Jasper, that much heat; that large of a foe; so many gemstones in harm's way. I don't think we can do this without..."

"Tiger's Eye," muttered Jasper, her face unreadable. After a moment's thought, the warrior gave a curt nod, then turned to Connie. "Squirt, hold it off for a little while."

"What?! What are you two- AH! No time!" cried Connie as the colossal fusion charged forward.

Connie summoned a vertical force field as large as she could to receive the charge. She then buttressed it by placing another field perpendicular to it, the whole thing forming a capital 'T' that was turned on its side to face the Ruby fusion. She summoned one more 'T' and then staggered from having five extant fields.

The Ruby fusion slammed headlong into the barriers, causing the first to break outright while the second buckled at the force of the impact. Momentarily confused, the huge beast pawed at the weakened obstacle, the heat radiating off it doing more to destroy the field than the tree trunk-sized limb.

Having her fields broken always felt weird for Connie, and having four destroyed in quick succession left her feeling more than a little light-headed. Leaning against her sole remaining field for stability, Connie managed to conjure another ‘T’ barrier, though she strongly suspected the bracing field was poorly aligned.

In her dazed state, ears still ringing slightly from the previous, teeth-rattling roar, it took Connie a moment to accept that the waltz music behind her was real. Before she could turn and investigate what the heck that was about, the Ruby fusion lunged forward, a massive, molten shoulder melting and crushing the hard light construct in its passage.

 _Hot, panicked, and facing down something terrifying. Am I really sure this isn’t all a Nightmare Monster hallucination?,_ thought that irrepressible corner of Connie as her head swam. She scrambled backwards, tossing up a bracing field for the barrier she had been hiding behind.

The fusion roared once more, melting the ‘T’ field to nothing. Connie was torn between covering her ears and protecting her face so she settled for curling up into a tight ball behind the last field she could conjure, not wholly convinced she’d been able to summon it between her and the onrushing heat.

There was a couple of heavy thuds, a world of noise, and then…

...an eerie calm.

Bewildered, Connie looked up to see a towering brown figure with four arms in a martial arts pose standing between her and the Ruby fusion. Like the C.O.W. effect writ large, roiling waves of heat were being deflected around (but never touching) the enormous woman, causing her to protect Connie like a kite shield protecting a knight from a dragon’s fiery breath.

_Not four arms,_ she realized. _There are only two shoulders, so it’s two pairs of double arms… I guess?_

Of course, the loudest part of her psyche was going, _They fused? Jasper and Peridot fused?! AAAH! THEY FUSED! Who’s leaving this time?! At this rate, I’ll be left with just dad and this Priyanka lady by Harvest Festival!_

The giant woman ( _I think Jasper called her Tiger’s Eye_ ) advanced in one large step, the stances she was shifting through reminding Connie faintly of the Aikido katas she’d seen once while thumbing through a book of her dad’s. Tiger’s Eye brought her arms up into an ‘X’ formation and then made a downward sweeping motion, dropping them out and to her sides. This caused the heat and noise to flare outward in a wide ‘V’ around the giant woman, who then charged forward toward the enormous Ruby wholly unimpeded.

Connie swore the beast looked more surprised than normal as the charging brown brawler summoned a crash helmet and hammered a bare spot on its back, the blow sending it toppling face first into the floor. The brown fusion then, with perfect precision, delivered a four-palmed strike in a gem-free location, sending the beast rolling end over end across half the length of the enormous chamber.

Tiger’s Eye swiveled around to face Connie, her enormous brown hair swaying with the motion, and she said in a calm resonant voice, “Defend yourself.” Connie nodded, her training kicking in to keep the awe and fear from overwhelming her into inaction.

Barricading herself as best she could in a cluster of force fields, Connie realized that a part of her mind --the part that seemed to think puns and wry observations were somehow appropriate during life-or-death situations-- had begun humming a tune Steven had been experimenting with in the wake of New Year’s. The boy had been chagrined when the MIDI composition came up on the playlist they were listening to, but after some coaxing he opened up and shared the meaning behind the tune: it was about the giant woman that crashed his family’s party in more ways than one.

As the Ruby fusion righted itself and began to scrap with Tiger’s Eye, this irrepressible corner of Connie began to create her own lyrics, crafted for this specific, fantastical and yet oh-so-worrisome situation.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_All I wanna do is not see this turn into a giant problem,_  
_A giant problem!_  
_All I wanna see is this not turn out to be a giant problem._

_All I wanna do is help you two eschew a giant problem,_  
_A giant problem!_  
_All I wanna see is this not turn out to be a giant problem._

_Oh I pray it'll be great 'cause I just can't take_  
_it if my fam'ly got any smaller._  
_If you give it a chance it could be a huge mess_  
_because you're now a giant brawler._

_You could even like being a fusion_  
_but if you don't please don't seek seclusion._  
_Please don't let this be a pyrrhic victory you giant problem_  
_you giant problem!_

_All I wanna do is not see this turn into a giant problem~._

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Ruby fusion was rage and heat and headlong charges, its very presence causing the stone to soften and deform. In contrast, Tiger’s Eye was calm precision, the eye of the storm, the fulcrum around which mighty forces shifted. All the energy the reckless beast threw at her was diverted and redirected, be it physical, thermal, or even audible.

However, despite leading the Ruby fusion like a master matador against an enraged bull, the fusion monster seemed inexhaustible, a mix of excitement and rage in the face of the brawl.

At one point, the massive Ruby charged past Tiger’s Eye and then slipped on a patch of stone that had begun to liquify from the heat. The enormous beast’s bulk slid on a collision course towards Connie’s redoubt. With a resonant cry of concern, Tiger’s Eye spindashed into the fusion, body-checking it and sending it careening into an unoccupied section of wall.

Coming out of the spin, Tiger’s Eye seemed unconcerned about the fact that portions of her were blackened and ablaze from direct and unmitigated contact with the heat beast. With another multi-limbed martial arts motion, the fires on Tiger’s Eye shriveled and vanished. Speaking without looking back at her, the giant brawler’s sonorous voice said, “Connie. Drop your fields. Pin it against the wall when I throw it there.”

Connie nodded, realized the fusion couldn’t see her, face-palmed, then cupped her hands to her mouth and shouted, “I will, ma’am… ma’ams?... but I’ll need some time to banish my existing fields.”

Once again Connie had to shake her head at getting caught up on trivialities --this time the grammatical vagaries of fusion-- during a pitched situation.

Using four hands to cup her mouth, Tiger’s Eye shouted at the Ruby fusion, the sound being funneled directly and powerfully at the bewildered beast. “Hey you, felsic slag heap! I have been wanting to say this all fight,” and then she dropped into an offensive stance, arms outstretched as she shouted, “You shall not pass!” and she mimed holding a sword and a staff out in challenge.

The Ruby fusion roared its defiance and then charged with all speed at the challenger. At the last moment, Tiger’s Eye dropped into a crouch like a catcher in baseball, received the charge with her top hands (the palms smoking with the contact). She fell into a backward roll, her bottom hands and feet tucking under the Ruby fusion and sending it on a long flight terminating with an earth shaking blow that just so happened to strike along a flank devoid of any gemstones.

Popping up from her roll, palms and feet smoldering, Tiger’s Eye charged the beast and delivered a barrage of open palmed strikes meant to disorient more than harm. Two of her hands actually caught fire.

Finally Connie’s fields began to wink out and she immediately began to summon new ones that pinned the enemy in place. They buckled under the heat but held for the moment.

Tiger’s Eye relented in her assault and assumed a wide stance. She raised her left hands (both aflame), palms out making what looked a little like the ASL symbol for ‘e’ save that her index fingers pointing upward. She brought her right hands up into the mirror position, then pulled them back as though she were drawing a bow.

The Ruby fusion began to thrash against its bonds, which Connie had to overlay with still more fields, the girl going cross-eyed in the attempt. Tiger’s Eye, all four eyes focused wholly on her foe, moved her hands slightly as though adjusting her aim before she thrust forward, her top-rightmost hand punching forward _into_ the fusion, all the way up to her forearm.

The blow ceased the struggles of the beast entirely. Then there was a mighty eruption of red smoke and, after it dissipated, a vast collection of bubbled gems hovered in the air. With another series of motions, Tiger’s Eye caused all the flames on her to shrivel away.

 _Whoooaaa... She poofed all of the component Rubies simultaneously. With one perfectly-placed punch! And then mass-bubbled them? Man, fusion is so weird. Having a destiny is confusing enough without_ that _added in. I’m glad I don’t have to worry about it,_ thought Connie, going from awed to deadpan to grateful in a single train of thought.

Tiger's Eye bowed to the multitude of bubbled gemstones. Then four hands became a blur of motion as the bubbles were lightly tapped and sent to the burning room. Seconds later and the chamber was empty save for the fusion and the girl.

Connie was wringing her hands. The thrill of victory and the jaw-dropping spectacle of Tiger's Eye were both being muscled aside by a very deep and insistent pit of uncertainty.

Plus, most of those burns looked really bad.

Tiger's Eye looked to the girl and smiled a toothy smile. She then sat cross-legged on the ground, four palms lying open in her lap, and she said in her clear and commanding voice, "How're you doing, kidder?"

All four eyes widened in surprise. "I mean, are you well, dirt?"

Four eyes rolled, each pair in a different direction, and the large fusion blew out a breath of frustration. "This is hard. Fights are easier. New plan: you ask me something."

Connie tucked a hair behind her ear and cleared her throat. "W-Well, are you alright? You got pretty burnt during the fight."

Tiger's Eye seemed to take in her condition for the first time: a swath of her chest was charred; all four hands were blackened (several all the way up to the elbow); one shoulder was faintly smouldering; her knees and feet showed signs of being burned as well; dozens of points on her skin and attire showed singe marks.

"Right, that," and she gave an anatomically complicated shrug involving two shoulders, four elbows, and four palms. "I probably shouldn't unfuse for a while: I'm tough and I'm tougher... um, Peridot and Jasper are," she said pronouncing the words like they were written in an unfamiliar language, "...but I don't ignore pain like I do. I'll mend for me and me. Plus," and she leaned forward to fill Connie's view with a massive, toothy grin, "there were some really fascinating striations a couple kilometers back. Then there's that chasm, which is a geologically improbable formation and I really want to look at it closer. Oh, and did you see that cluster of feldspars while you and I were flying down the shaft together? And what in Earth is allowing that magma seepage to drain like that?! It should be pressurized and-"

"Tiger's Eye!" interrupted Connie. "We, uh, I mean, that's interesting and all but we still have a mission to complete."

All four eyes narrowed into an expression of seriousness. "Right. My scan earlier said we were close. I'll take point while you and I hang back a... hrm, just stay behind me and be careful."

Connie nodded and followed in the wake of the giant... _geology nerd/martial artist, apparently. That's not at all what Steven or I guessed when he insisted we fill in that table of fusion combinations between the gems._

* * *

There was a tiny ranch-style house, complete with an appropriately-scaled porch swing and rocking chair. A little air conditioner was humming. Sounds that were so high as to be on the upper edge of Connie's hearing had a cadence similar to speech. Then there was a squeaky musical interlude that meant the episode of... something... was over.

 _THIS. MAKES. NO. SENSE!,_ fumed Connie as she peered at the house that was scarcely larger than a breadbox.

"Knock on the door," instructed the fusion who was hunched to fit in the massive-but-not- _that_ -massive cavern. Connie looked over her shoulder and nodded, noticing that some of the burn marks were marginally smaller.

She knocked gently, using all of her willpower not to roll her eyes at the absurdity.

The sound of the television cut off and one of the curtains was pushed aside to reveal a rhinoceros beetle with a tiny green gemstone set into its back. 

A tiny limb waved. Meekly, Connie waved back.

The curtain fell back into place and then a period of time passed with just the occasional bumps and scrapes coming from inside. Just as Connie was about to try and spy on the proceedings through the tasteful french doors in the back, the front door opened and the beetle emerged pushing a tiny cardboard box full of tiny furnishings.

Over the span of the next half hour, eight more boxes emerged, as well as a couch, a bed, and a treadmill. All of them plus the rocking chair were carefully placed in Connie's pack.

The Beetle looked longingly at the AC unit but Tiger's Eye's sonorous voice assured it that a new one could be constructed for the terrarium.

After Connie set the mason jar ( _Sorry, the Geode Beetle containment unit._ ) on its side, the Earth Beetle walked inside and gave the girl another wave. Gently she righted the jar, screwed the lid on securely, placed it in the gyroscopically stable cradle Peridot had built for it ("Because having it get bounced around on the return voyage would just be rude," the technician had said) and then placed the whole thing in the now-full backpack.

_Does this count as my first bubbling? Because if so, I'm underwhelmed._

* * *

Most of the corridors were cramped for the enormous fusion, so she would spindash ahead. Eventually Connie would catch up to find the brown brawler excitedly following a seam in the stone, both her gems lit up for better viewing.

At the magma river, the primary delay in crossing was not the logistics but rather of getting the colossal fusion, who was like a recalcitrant child gawking through the window of a toy store, to move along.

As the light of the magma receded into the distance, Tiger's Eye stopped, then knelt down and fixed Connie with a serious expression. "Connie, during the fight against the Ruby fusion, I called it a 'felsic slag heap.' I was intentionally miscategorizing them as the coolest kind of magma. In reality, they were at least mafic-tier."

Connie nodded, used to this sort of thing by now. Attempting to turn the discussion away from all matters volcanological, she asked, "During the fight, what was that thing you were doing that parted the heat?"

"I can redirect energy," stated the giant matter-of-factly.

 _Oh, of all the things to_ not _elaborate on..._

"What... does that mean, exactly?" asked the girl, trying and failing to grasp the implications of so broad a statement.

"All things are in motion. The atmosphere; oceans; tectonic plates; hot air rising off a flame; sound reverberating through a medium; even light. The Earth is full of such activity; it was one of the things I found most interesting about my home after your Citrother..." and Tiger's Eye paused, eyes crossed to stare at her own nose.

"No, Citrother. Really? I won't call her anything except Citrine? Fine, I'll say that too but she is Connie's Citrother. Ugh! I can be so inflexible sometimes," she said to herself ( _herselves?_ ). "Anyway, Citrine helped me appreciate that fact during the war. And since I'm a certified Kindergartner, I'm very knowledgable in such matters," rambled the giant.

"And that lets you save me from getting cooked?" asked Connie, hoping to keep the discussion on track.

"With the right qualities," and Tiger's Eye tapped herself on the nose and forehead, "and precise action, the motion of tiny particles can be shifted. Shine that laser pointer at me," said the fusion as she dropped into a crouched stance.

Being careful not to disturb the Beetle or its stuff, Connie fished her pen-sized pointer out and shined it at Tiger's Eye's torso. A little red dot was just visible amidst the yellow of the star she wore.

With a sweeping motion, the red dot vanished from the star and reappeared at Connie's feet. Wiggling the pointer wiggled the dot as though Connie were reflecting it off a mirror.

"That's so cool! Is that how you tossed around the Ruby monster too? Could you shunt an avalanche aside?" exclaimed the girl, the knot in her gut momentarily forgotten in the face of such a display.

The brawler shook her head. "Once you get into objects bigger than molecules, you need strength to shift it, not a carefully modulated deflection field. Being a Quartz, I bring plenty of that to the fusion. Actually, I'm the inspiration for the wristbands you're wearing. I can be so clever sometimes. Oh! That's nice of me to say," said the fusion, slipping into her curious mode of speech when, Connie suspected, Jasper or Peridot were speaking to the other _through_ Tiger's Eye.

"And the, uh, not feeling pain?"

"Oh, the pain is there but between supreme focus and Quartz physique, it's like a background noise that I just tune out."

Connie bit her lip. _Should I ask? They seem mostly well-balanced, if a bit obsessive. But then, Hiddenite was nice enough at first too._

Taking a deep breath, Connie said, "Tiger's Eye, do... do you know if Jasper and Peridot are going to be okay when you unfuse?"

One set of eyes looked at Connie in mild confusion, the other set, in sympathy. Eventually both pairs showed understanding. "I don't happen often and when I do, it's for a fight. I'm good at fighting. I work well with me: strength and the precision to utilize that strength optimally. But after the fight is over and the wounds are healed, I'm not needed. I go back ion my toweaponal broxack. No, that’s not right," she said as she furrowed her brows. "Tools go back in their box and weapons go back on their rack," she said, panting slightly. "I and I should be fine afterwards, though I might be clumsy with pronouns for a little while."

Connie felt the knot in her stomach loosen a little. _Hopefully I'll feel all the way better when I see them both in the morning._

 _ **If** I see them both in the morning,_ added an unconvinced corner of the girl.

* * *

Tiger's Eye was able to, once Connie got her to focus, force the swirling steam to flow in a wide channel around her outstretched arm. This gave Connie a clear enough view to make a platform of force fields mid-chasm which allowed the fusion to step onto and reach all the way across. With both arms outstretched, there was a tunnel of calm surrounded by a swirling maelstrom of steam.

It was so amazing looking Connie had to pull out her phone and snap a picture.

 _Steven's going to love that one,_ she thought.

* * *

Tiger's Eye climbed the whole way to the surface, Connie sitting on the giant's shoulder and holding onto her thick mane of hair for support.

"Don't worry about hurting me, Dennie... Connar... Connie-dear. It won't bother me or me while I'm me."

At the surface Tiger's Eye looked out at the expanse of sulfurous mud and drawled, "I don’t think I’ll be able to fly and platform jump across this. Hang on tight." They waded across, managing the distance in only a dozen massive steps.

After scraping the worst of it off, Tiger's Eye squeezed onto the warp pad, Connie still on her shoulder. "Better not warp to the Beach House unless I want to end up wearing the roof like a shirt," said Connie's ride with a sonorous chuckle.

After the light of the warp pad faded, Connie found herself with a commanding view of the countryside on the outskirts of Beach City. In the distance and across the bay was Lighthouse Park. The quarry was faintly visible. Beyond that the landscape was dotted with trees, winding roads, and the occasional swath of farmland.

A noise managed to reach Connie despite the height. Turning her head she saw Mr. Universe gawking back up at her and Tiger's Eye. His van was pulled up beside an old wooden barn. The box he had been carrying was lying on its side in the dirt at his feet, forgotten. Through the open barn door Connie could see a dizzying array of stuff.

_Are those tractor tires? Is that... a propeller? I mean, he's wealthy enough to own an airplane, but why would he have it in pieces in an old barn?_

A moment later Greg was treated to a three-handed wave from Connie and the extra-giant woman before the latter started walking towards Beach City like the monster in a kaiju film.

* * *

"-ocean is like a giant heat pump! And then you have the trade winds which, combined with the Coriolis effect-"

"Tiger's Eye!" interrupted Connie, the enthusiastic lecture having shifted from geology to meteorology after the pair had left Mr. Universe. "We're here. Would you mind helping me down?"

Tiger's Eye set Connie down gingerly on the porch of the Beach House. The giant, standing on the sand below, then leaned against the railing in a manner very reminiscent of how Jasper would rest against the kitchen divider. 

The burns that marred the behemoth had grown faint.

"Thanks for the ride, by the way," said Connie as she shrugged off her pack/Beetle-scaled storage unit. "Would you mind if I get an extra picture now that we're in decent light?"

"Go ahead," came the basso response.

Connie pulled out her phone and snapped picture. Then the giant gave a wide, toothy smile and said, "Go on and take another."

"Oh, okay," said Connie with a shrug. As she prepared to snap the picture she saw a flicker of movement and then the view in front of her went weird for a split second.

"Whaaa~" said the girl as Tiger's Eye gave a deep chuckle. Calling up the picture she just took, she saw...

...herself taking a picture, the whole of the porch visible.

"You redirected the light, didn't y- Hold on..." she said as she squinted at an odd detail.

_Why are there blue feet poking out from beneath the patio table?_

Connie turned and saw...

"Lapis?!" cried Connie in disbelief, even going so far as to lift her glasses and rub her eyes.

The Blue gem propped herself up with her elbows from where she'd been dozing in the shade of the patio table. "Wha-huh? Oh, hey, Con-con. No one was answering so I thought I'd take a nap and wait."

"Lapis!" was all Connie could say, rooted to the spot in shock.

"Lapis?" came the booming follow-up as a large, brown hand lifted the patio table like a child lifting a rock to peer underneath.

"Tiger's Eye?!" said Lapis, eyes wide.

"LAPIS!" screamed Connie as she sprinted at the gem and met her with a diving tackle of a hug.

There was a flash of light and then Peridot (with a few scorch marks visible here and there) came running over, gravity connectors thudding heavily across the wood. 

"Laaapiiis!" cried the ecstatic technician before all but jumping into the prodigal gem's lap.

"Whoa, Peridot what- oof!" was all Lapis was able to say before being once more bowled over.

Largely unnoticed, Jasper ascended the stairs one heavy step at a time. Her expression shifted a few times between scowling and smiling. Eventually she settled on a modest grin and strode over to the dog pile on Lapis.

After several minutes of frenetic hugging and three voices speaking at once, the quartet managed to disentangle and get upright.

"Peri, you poofed! What the heck happened?!" asked Lapis as she looked over the technician's new appearance.

"She was instructing Connie from the Sky Arena in marksmanship with the new blasters she fabricated but through means unknown the blaster overloaded and she was forced-" said Peridot in a hurry, her pronouns a little jumbled from her recent fusion.

Lapis shook her head and waved the Green gem into silence. "Jasper, Dot's too caffeinated for me to follow. What's the skinny?"

"I built blasters for Connie to train with. Something went wrong. I took a shot through the stomach. She had to look after-" but Jasper trailed off as Lapis' look of confusion remained.

"Right, right, you guys always get a little funky after having your Rocky montage together. I’ll get the details later, but let me say, P-pod, the new look is geek chic. But, uh, you guys only trot out Bigger Tigger when bad news goes down. Everyone okay?” asked the gem, her eyes a little worried.

Everyone nodded.

"We entered the Boiling Lava Lake tunnels," said Peridot.  
"We bubbled a battalion of corrupted Rubies," said Jasper.  
"I've got an explanation-defying beetle and its stuff," said Connie, withdrawing the Beetle's jar from her pack.  
The Beetle waved at Lapis.

Lapis blinked, then wiped one of her eyes with her palm. “Man it’s good to be home. I’ve missed you guys and all the wacky hijinks that come with ya. Let’s go inside so Lennon there can reunite with McCartney, then I’ll give you all about eighty hojillion hugs. Each.”

Lapis opened the door and walked inside with Connie, Peridot, and, a few paces behind, Jasper in tow.

"Hey! You guys moved my stuff!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have noticed that Lapis was gone for a long time. She flew away on January 1st and she returned on April 9th. That’s 99 days total. 
> 
> Lapis’ departure was in Episode 6, Chapter 2, which was posted to AO3 on May 17th. Lapis’ return was here, in Episode 13, Chapter 2, originally posted to AO3 on August 23rd. That’s 99 days total.
> 
> If you have been reading Connie Swap since mid-May then you have been waiting precisely as long for Lapis to come home as Connie has. Every adventure she undertook without Lapis around, you were there for. Every mishap and triumph; every alteration to the status quo; all of the changes and growth that have happened between Connie, her friends, and her family; every thing that Lapis _missed out on_ , you know about firsthand.
> 
> It’s even possible you missed the blue goof during her extended absence. Experiencing it in real-time like you have, it is our hope that this will make Connie’s plight these past 3 months-and-change all the more relatable.
> 
> We have specific plans for all the Gems’ character arcs. A part of Lapis’ is about her penchant for leaving when things get emotionally difficult. And no one on the Team could think of a better way of establishing the effects and costs of Lapis’ literal flightiness than this lengthy storytelling strategy.
> 
> Thank you for your patience these past 99 days. We’re glad to have Lapis back. You might be as well. And you know well that Connie is. Now let’s see what follows her return next week in **Episode 14: Beach City Limits**
>
>>   
>   
>  Lapis is home! Doug has moved back to Beach City. And Priyanka is making frequent visits. With so many new and newly-returned faces, there can be only one outcome: a party on the beach.
>> 
>> Will the party go well? This is Beach City so it’s guaranteed to be eventful. No, the real question is whether Connie or the others will reach their limits before the party even begins.
> 
> * * *
> 
> The lyrics to _Giant Problem_ were written by the Connie Swap Team. The art for the corrupted Rubies and their fusion came from monster-drawing enthusiast, BurdenKing. The art for Tiger's Eye came from the gifted MJStudioArts.
> 
>   
>  Tiger’s Eye was always intended to be a fusion that was poorly mixed. The original concept was to have a literal two-headed giant, with the halves devolving into bickering when her components weren’t in synchronization. The design ultimately didn’t survive the final cut, but I thought it was neat enough to be worth sharing. Included in that same picture is an older design for Hiddenite, there to show the relative sizes between the pair.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Fan, fellow fanfic author, and person of numerous fine qualities, [TheDoomKitten](http://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDoomkitten/pseuds/TheDoomkitten), has created a [TV Tropes page for Connie Swap](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/FanFic/ConnieSwap). Go and check it out. It’s great!
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


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